Avoiding Power Struggles
Spring has sprung, and our students' unexpected behaviors are growing right along with the flowers. This time of year, even a quick redirection in class can result in an invitation to a power struggle. This can rattle the most veteran educators. We’ve all heard that to avoid power struggles, don’t engage in them in the first place. That sounds easy enough, right? Well, yes and no. Knowing that we are supposed to avoid power struggles is one thing, but knowing how is another thing altogether. We have provided just a few of the “how to” tips that we talk about in our book, Connecting Through Conversation: A Playbook for Talking with Students, that educators can apply when student behaviors start to bloom.
Let’s think about an elementary student on the playground who is upset about a situation that occurred with a friend. They run away from the group and climb a tree. The educator is now faced with a pretty high-stakes power struggle.
Questions & Requests:
Be aware of how you make requests and frame expectations. If it’s not a request, don’t ask a question. In this situation, the student is doing something unsafe so it is not the time for a request. Instead of saying, “Can you please come down from there?” try: “You need to come out of the tree.” This makes it clear to the student that the expectations are not up for debate or discussion.
Offer Choices:
Look for opportunities to offer choices. Most people really appreciate having a choice in what they are doing. You might say to the student, “You need to get down from that branch. Do you want to get down by yourself, or would you like me to help you?” By offering two choices that are equally acceptable to you, you offer the student some agency. When kids feel they have some element of control in a situation, it increases the likelihood they will follow your direction.
I Wish:
A helpful response when a student is refusing to do what is asked is to let the student know that you wish they could get or do what they wanted. This lets them know that you understand where they are coming from, which in turn, strengthens your connection. In this example, you might say, “I wish we could climb trees at school. I sure loved climbing when I was a kid. Unfortunately, it’s not safe so you’ll need to come down now.”
These strategies don’t just work for younger students; they can be helpful with older students, as well. Although the language is a bit different, the same type of approach can be utilized to avoid power struggles with bigger kids too.
Let’s say you are teaching a high school class. After reminding students that phones are to be out of sight during independent work time, a student makes a show of pulling theirs out and putting them front and center on their desk. They are clearly inviting you to a power struggle.
Questions & Requests:
In this situation, don’t ask the student if they want to put their phone away. We can all guess what their response might likely be. Try saying, “Phones need to be out of sight during our class. Tuck that away please.” This makes the expectation clear, without leaving room for debate.
Offer Choices:
If the student doesn’t immediately comply, we recommend offering two choices that work for you. Try kneeling by their desk and saying, “I am going to enter attendance. While I am doing that, you can either put your phone in your pocket or your backpack.” Then leave the student to make their choice, and go take attendance. These choices give a bit of independence, and by walking away temporarily, you allow the student an opportunity to save face.
I Wish:
You can also try empathizing with the student by saying, “I wish you could have your phone out. It would be fun for us all to play Wordle. However, right now, we have class and the school rule is no phones during independent work time.” The wish statement helps create a connection. It also provides an opportunity for the student to gain some control over the situation, which may be just enough for them to follow your expectation.
Anyone who talks with kids has found themselves presented with the opportunity for a power struggle.
In order to maintain connected relationships and curb unexpected behaviors, educators should do all they can to avoid engaging in these mini-battles. We hope you will read more about this, and access the additional strategies and techniques provided in our book Connecting Through Conversation: A Playbook for Talking With Students and on our website: connectingthroughconversation.com.
It’s helpful for us to remember that we did not get into education to compete with students. We got into it because we love kids, and want to support them in being the best version of themselves. We hope these strategies make it possible for you to appreciate the beauty of spring, while effectively dodging these behaviors.