When We Truly Listen, Kids Speak Their Truth
Listening + Dignity + Trust = Connected Relationships for Learning
We all know the critical nature of strong relationships, and yet there are precious few resources for how to actually build these relationships. In our book, Connecting Through Conversation, A Playbook for Talking with Students, we share that in order to build what we call Connected Relationships for Learning, there are three components that must be firmly in place. You must listen well, treat all with dignity, and have a foundation of trust. We refer to this as the Connected Relationships for Learning Formula. Here, we are going to dive a little deeper into the critical component of listening.
Listen well and demonstrate that the student is truly heard.
Listen First
Listening is the foundation of any communication exchange. Listening well and demonstrating that the student is truly heard is critical to building Connected Relationships for Learning. Not only must we listen, we must also listen first. Authentic listening calls us to seek to understand our students before we decide what to do or what to think. Happily, when we truly listen to students with an open heart and mind, they share what’s on theirs. So, what does listening well look like?
Hear and Be Here Now
In our experience, students rarely wait for the perfect time to demonstrate the need for a connected conversation. The need for these conversations typically occurs when you are in the middle of a thousand things at once with an overflowing to do list. In order to listen, you have to very intentionally put those things aside. This includes the basic things like putting your phone down and closing your email. Perhaps the trickier part is shutting down the mental to-do list that is ticking through your head, and making mental space for the student in front of you. Ensure that you are fully present in the moment, intentionally focus your mind, so you can be available for the student. If it is simply not possible at that moment, you may postpone the conversation by saying, “This is really important, and I want to make sure I am giving you my full attention. Let’s talk about this right after class [or any other time that you can devote your full attention].” Just be sure to follow through!
I Hear You
Listening first doesn’t build connection if the student does not feel heard. The Connected Communicator demonstrates that a student has been heard and understood by restating, or reflecting back what the student has said and then checking to make sure they got it right. When students don’t feel heard, they often get frustrated or continue to demonstrate their feelings until you get it right. Continue to clarify and reframe until the student feels that even if you don’t agree, you understand their point of view. Simply saying “I hear you” can be a powerful tool in moving the conversation forward.
To Talk or Not to Talk
When students are communicating with us by showing big emotions or are clearly dysregulated, this is a critical time to listen, and listen really well. Too often adults are so anxious to solve the problem that they try to talk the student into a state of calm. What we know is that any noise at all activates our amygdala, causing our body to be flooded with stress hormones like cortisol. That is why when we are driving and get lost we have to turn down the radio so we can see better! When students are already in a heightened state of distress, we are trying to decrease their stress level, not add to it. So, we gently suggest you stop talking.
When remaining silent with a student, model some calming strategies. Take some deep breaths. They may decide to breathe with you. Take a moment and get a drink of water and offer them one as well. Kids, like adults, need these opportunities to think uninterrupted thoughts.
When a student is struggling to share what is on their mind, we suggest taking the student on a walk, to the swings, to the basketball court, or anywhere where the student is able to be on the move and know that you are there ready to listen when they are ready to talk. The combination of movement and being side-by-side puts the student in the most comfortable position possible to open up.
When a student is struggling to share what is on their mind, try taking the student on a walk. Be ready to listen when they are ready to talk.
Thank You
We have to listen well in order to build Connected Relationships for learning. Students feel heard when we give them our undivided attention, listen first, and explicitly demonstrate that we understand them. When we truly listen to students with an open heart and mind, they share what’s on theirs. It is in this listening that we honor students with the dignity they deserve.To learn more of these strategies, check out our book - Connecting Through Conversation: A Playbook for Talking with Students.
If you would like to explore more strategies to support positive student behavior, download the free resource guide here.
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