A Student's Behavior is What They Did, Not Who They Are
A student’s behavior is what they did, not who they are. This idea is foundational for Connected Communicators. It is critical that educators remember this, and even more critical that our students understand this. To help support this idea, we encourage adults to refer to behaviors that don’t work at school as “unexpected behaviors” as opposed to bad behaviors. Language matters, and at no point do we want to think or say that a student is “bad.” Read on to find out why.
If a student had the words to communicate appropriately, they would use them.
Even though a student’s behavior can impact us personally, it’s important to remember that it isn’t personal. We know that students did not set out to ruin our day. Their unexpected behaviors are just not about us. We have to continually remind ourselves that a student's behavior is communicating an unmet need. All behavior is communication, and if students had the words to communicate appropriately, they would use them. If they aren't using them, we need to teach them how!
Given the right supports, students will rise to the expectations we set for them.
As an educator, focusing on the idea that a student does not yet have the skills is so much more empowering than thinking, “This is a bad kid.” We can teach skills. We can also support students to communicate appropriately. If we slip into the trap of thinking about a student's behavior as who they are, all of a sudden it feels as though there is nothing we can do. Feeling helpless is just not an emotion that anyone finds tolerable. Given the right supports, students will rise to the expectations we set for them. Behavior is no exception! When we believe a student can turn their behavior around, and we intentionally teach the skills, they will!
It is far easier to change what you do than who you are.
For students, knowing that their behavior is a thing they did, not who they are is even more critical. This is because it is far easier to change what you do than who you are. If a student starts believing that they are a “bad” kid, then guess what? They are going to start doing bad things! If, instead we intentionally separate what a student does from who they are, all of a sudden they have agency to change their behavior moving forward. If they view themselves as a really good person who made a bad choice, they are motivated to ensure their future behavior is more aligned to who they really are. It is critical that a student walks away from a Connected Conversation about unexpected behavior knowing that this was a thing they did, now who they are.
Care Out Loud Behavioral Approach
When a student has made a mistake, a strategy Connected Communicators use to both help students separate their behavior from who they are, is the Care Out Loud Behavioral Approach, or COLBA. This approach also ensures that students know we care about them - no matter what.
The COLBA sentence frame sounds like this:
I know you are a really good kid (or student with a lot of integrity, someone who is very kind, someone with a really good heart, etc.).
Sometimes even a really good kid (or student with a lot of integrity, someone who is very kind, someone with a really good heart, etc.) makes mistakes.
When we make mistakes, the most important thing to do is own up and do what we can to make it right.
This technique does two things. First, it helps the students separate the thing they did from who they are as a person. Second, it reassures them that even though they did something wrong, you still care about them and hold them in high esteem
Connecting It
A student's behavior is what they did, not who they are. As educators, our job is to support our students in learning the skills to communicate their needs appropriately. In the same way we will not take it personally when a student has not yet learned to read or solve algebraic equations, we will not take it personally when a student is still learning how to communicate their needs appropriately. Instead, we will make sure they know that even though they made a mistake, that does not define them as an individual, and , and you are there to help them become a better version of themselves. After all, you care about them. No matter what.
