Spring into Calm: How to Avoid Power Struggles with Students this Season
Educators know, spring time is prime time for challenging behaviors. Anyone who talks with kids has found themselves presented with the opportunity for a power struggle, and we know that as soon as we have engaged, we have lost. We think of power struggles as a game of tug-of-war that the child tries to bring us into. As adults, our job is to not pick up the rope! Of course, this is easy to say, and more challenging to do. We have a few tried and true tips to help you avoid power struggles in the first place.
Our job as adults is to not pick up the rope in a potential power struggle.
Say it and Run:
This is not nearly as sneaky as it sounds! Let’s imagine you have just directed students to put away their devices, and a student very obviously places their cell phone in the middle of their desk.
Our advice is to Say it and Run by following these three steps:
Approach the student discreetly and quietly re-state the expectation. This lets them know what’s expected without drawing attention from others.
Give the student two choices that you can live with. This is another helpful strategy we use to avoid power struggles: offer two choices that can work for you. Offering options you can live with supports the student in having some agency and control, which is often at the root of power struggles. This also shifts their focus. Instead of them deciding whether to follow your expectations, they are now choosing between the options you've provided.
Walk away quickly (don’t actually run!). Once you have stated the expectation and offered a choice, we recommend leaving the student to make the right decision. By walking away, you do not provide the student time to say. “No!” It also gives the student some processing time to make the right choice. Helpfully, it also further reduces the audience, as the focus is shifted further away from the student when you walk away. Finally, it conveys that you trust the student will do the right thing.
So what does this look like and sound like in our cell phone example? After the whole class direction to put away cell phones, you give the class the next direction. You then quietly approach the student who has not put away their cell phone, kneel down next to their desk, and say, “Cell phone needs to be in your pocket or your backpack” and then walk away without waiting for a response. Chances are high that they will go ahead and put away their phone! In this example, take a minute to picture the difference if you stood over the student, staring at them, while you wait for them to comply. That can easily become an invitation to rumble! Instead, trust they will do the right thing and walk away.
Use Diffusers:
Oftentimes students will try and engage us in a power struggle because they feel a situation is unjust or unfair. Maybe they feel unheard. Ensuring students are heard is a critical component of the Connected Relationship for Learning formula. You can learn more about this in an earlier blog, When We Truly Listen, Kids Speak Their Truth. To ensure students feel heard and to let them know that we care about their point of view, we suggest utilizing some diffusers.
Our three favorites are:
I hear you. This simple sentence helps convey that we are listening. It does not mean we agree with them, but it does mean that we are listening to their point of view, and taking it seriously. Instead of responding to an argument with all of the reasons you disagree, try saying, “I hear you.” Often this simple phrase can help bring the situation to a much quicker resolution. You have also clearly demonstrated that although you understand their point of view, you are not going to argue.
Fair Point. Any time there is a disagreement, there are often valid points on both sides of the exchange. It is important to acknowledge this when it is true. Saying that someone made a fair point, or even a good point, does not mean you are changing your position. Instead it conveys that you are considering all sides - including theirs - and you are making an informed decision.
Noted. There is something powerful about writing down something that someone says. This conveys you are listening closely, and you care about what they are sharing enough to write it down. Again, this does not mean that you agree, it just means that you have taken note of what they had to share.
When it starts to feel like kids are pushing us into a power struggle, it is important to remember they are doing what kids do. They are testing boundaries and trying to find some control and agency in their lives. It is our job to do what educators do. Establish clear boundaries and stick to them. Listen to our students well. Provide agency and choice for students to give them control within the boundaries we have established. You can find more tips on avoiding power struggles in an earlier blog, Avoiding Power Struggles or in our book, Connecting Through Conversation: A Playbook for Talking with Students. We hope these tips will help you navigate those spring time behaviors with fewer headaches and frustrations for both you and your students!
There is something powerful about writing down something that someone says.
Become a Member
Become a Connected Communicator Now
As a member, you gain access to a wealth of resources and exclusive content tailored to your interests.
